My Immortal
by CapnRichelle
Summary: Songfic, My Immortal by Evanescance (did i spell that right?) Picard leaves Beverly.


Disclaimer- song by evanescence, not mine. Star Trek, Paramount's, also not mine

A/N- This story is due to an extremely depressing break-up with my "boyfriend" (I use the word loosely) of four years. As I've been wallowing in depressing songs and a relative state of unrest, I created this piece, which I'm sure I'll look back on one day and realize its extreme sappiness. You are dually warned.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

_If you have to Leave, I wish that you would just leave_

_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone._

She sat in silence. Her red hair hung along her shoulders a big nightshirt limply hid her frame; her eyes unseeingly stared out the view port as the stars streamed by. Surrounding her the quarters she had loved a few weeks ago now seemed nothing but a cold reminder of him; books that still smelled of him and held his inscription, a flower he'd given her, pictures of them.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just to much that time will not erase_

She'd been so strong when he told her. She'd never wanted to hold him back. She knew he could only devote himself fully to one thing and if he chose Starfleet over her who was she to argue. The façade hadn't lasted long. She'd practically sprinted to Deanna. She had to have someone hold her. She had to feel the solidity of a person as her reality slipped from beneath her feet. Deanna filled the requirement and more, she gave Beverly the stability of a calm, familiar presence. That night Deanna had stayed with her. She figured Deanna was afraid she'd take her life. The next day she cried, sobbed and wailed until she fell into an exhausted sleep.

Since then, during the few weeks that had passed, she'd spent every moment consumed by thoughts of him. The minutes dragged by and she felt as if she had to carry the mass of each one just to make the next pass. Each moment brought about the realization of her loss in a new way. She no longer had the ability to cry but a physical weight had planted itself on her chest and restricted her breathing. Had there been alcohol around she would have lost herself in a bottle a thousand times. There was however a med kit and to sleep she took a depressant and to go to work she took an additive. She assumed this was the way the rest of her life would play out. Some small part of her hoped he'd change his mind another hoped she would just wake-up and either find it was a bad dream and Jean-luc was occupying the other side of the bed or she was free of the love that she felt for him.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_And you still have_

_...all of me_

It wasn't as though she'd just lost a lover or potential husband or all the other things women dream about she'd lost her best friend. The man she had cried with after Odan and Ronin had torn her heart open, the man that had been a father to her son. He was her dance partner, breakfast companion and coworker all in one.

She had stood behind him all those years. When he was transformed into Locutus and friends and crew shrank away from him, Beverly welcomed him home. When the probe gave him a new life and ripped it from him and he carried on as if nothing happened. She was the one that answered his midnight call just so he could feel someone's presence and not the stagnant air of lonely quarters. Where was he now? Now that she, alone and cold, needed to hear the steady beat of his heart and the comforting warmth of his arms around her.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating mind_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind _

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me_

A shaky breath escaped her lips as she relived an onslaught of memories. Her mind loved to torment her with the most vivid memories. Suddenly he was everywhere; stroking her hair as she cries over Jack's death on his shoulder, laughing at a joke she told over breakfast, wrapping his arms around her as she pretends to be napping on the couch after a late night cap, stroking her cheek as they share an intimate moment in the turbo lift, massaging her neck, holding her hand, whispering something in her ear, kissing her lips and finally walking away. That's the way it always ended. She sees it so clearly; he takes a few steps and not slowing his pace looks back at her with those eyes, a color she never could quite place, full of love and loss. It was burned onto her mind etched into her heart. It was all she had that made her believe that he really did love her regardless of where he believed his life was taking him.

_I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

She reached for the necklace he'd given her, only to find her cold flesh where the silver charm once hung. She had taken it off in an attempt to make herself let go of him; she missed its weight on her neck.

He was moving on. But she committed herself to his memory with the same devotion she had given to the man. Hanging on to a wisp of what she once had she hoped for the day he would come back. What else could she do?

_You still have_

_...all of me _


End file.
